I feel like when you sit around and listen to stories about break ups (and I apologize, you’ve been listening to me go on about mine for an entire year now) – each person’s story is drastically different. Whether it be a cheating scandal, a I-just-don’t-love-you-anymore situation, or a LDR gone bad – everyone suffers in their own way, in their own time. But, what I’ve discovered from everyone I’ve talked to, is that the outcome is usually all the same.
I feel like in these scenarios, where your heart is shattered and you’re left to figure out how to clean up the pieces, you wind up holding up a mirror to your own existence. You start questioning the way you view things. You start analyzing the way you handle scenarios; the way you treat those close to you. You start trying to mold yourself into the person you WANT to be.
You throw yourself into activities and experiences and suddenly, you start remembering what it’s like to breathe again – and it doesn’t keep reminding you that you’re feeling pain, but that you’re ALIVE and that this life is a painful, beautiful thing.
I’m a writer, first and foremost. I went to therapy the day after the break up and my therapist told me to write everything down. She told me to get it all out of me, to put it on paper and then hide it away on the shelf. I listened to her. I wrote my heart out. I hid it away and then never looked at it again. Then I turned to the blog. If my breakup had a heartbeat, it would be my writing. Throughout this process, writing is what kept me steady. It’s what allowed me to extract the negative thoughts out of my head, and throw them into the universe, so that I could focus exclusively on my own personal growth.
I’ve been on more planes this year than I can count. I keep spending my money on plane tickets. I have this NEED to see new places and meet new people. I’ve laughed all over the country, not to mention different parts of the world. From Spain, to Seattle to Boston to Coachella (and many, many more) – I’ve traveled all over this year. Even though I’m in a perpetual state of exhaustion, nothing makes me happier than pulling my suitcase out of its hiding spot and filling it up for a new adventure. Nothing.
I don’t think that there’s an A-HA moment where you’re magically better and everything is okay. I don’t think there’s an answer to any person’s heartbreak. I don’t think there is a safe way of advising how a person can get over someone they held near and dear. I think life just works in a way where you wind up thinking of them in the past, instead of in the present. You stop wondering (or caring) what they’re up to. You stop badgering your friends to tell you what they see on his Snapchat. You just stop. And then that’s when you start to heal.
My healing process truly began when I started to focus on myself more than focusing on him. Obviously, a part of me is still curious (and I still lurk from time to time), but I don’t sit around wondering how he’s going to live his life. I don’t stress out about it, the way I used to. Instead, I throw my energies entirely into me and into my own existence. When I was in a relationship, I used to try and live my life selflessly. But now, I WANT to live more selfishly. Not in a douchey sort of way, but in the sense that I make my decisions for me and me alone. If a job opportunity presented itself in New York, I could take it. I don’t have to worry about anyone else and there is something SO incredibly freeing in that sort of thought process.
I had a meeting with my boss on Tuesday. We sat in there for an hour and a half, and at one point, she told me that she can sense a clear difference in me. “You hold yourself differently than you did when you started here, ” she said, with her eyes telling me that she was entirely serious about this observation. My first day there was February 2nd of 2015, so you can kind of sense what kind of changes happened throughout my employment there. But the crazy thing (or not-so-crazy) is that I actually agreed with her. Everything about me feels different. Everything. From my hair, to my body, to my self-esteem, to my pack of friends, to my relationship with my family – everything is different.
I had posted something on here earlier containing a letter that I wrote my ex that I wrote a year ago. And then I took it down. Not because I was scared of negative responses, but because I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I don’t have any interest in going backwards. I want nothing but serious forward momentum. I want to touch the stars. I want a BIG life – one that I can be proud of, because I did it all on my own.
Its taken me a year. I still feel sad sometimes, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m flying. There are moments when I get this energy that comes from a deep, deep place – and it kind of takes over my body. Goosebumps spread and I have to look up, because there really is no other direction we should ever look. Look up, look forward – and let that internal energy point you in the right direction.
Once upon a time, a dear friend told me : “You’ll find the light at the end of the tunnel, and you’ll discover that the light is actually YOU.” No truer words have ever been said. Ever.
Love is everywhere. It flows through your veins. It flows through this post. It lingers on your skin like a perfume you can never get rid of. It’s in the air. it’s in the sunsets you watch with your friends on the beach of San Diego, with the wind whipping through your hair and the water chilling your feet. It’s in your promotions. It’s in wacky happy hours with girlfriends. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again : I lost the guy who I thought was the love of my life, but in doing so, I just realized how much love there was IN my life. I’m a truly a lucky girl to have so many people I can say “I Love You” to.
Love your friends. Love your family. Love your adventures. Love your experiences, the good and the bad. Love your pain. Love your heartbreak.
But most importantly, TRY to love yourself.
Spend the time alone to figure out who you are. Try to discover your hobbies. Learn how to be a good friend. Learn which drink you like to order at the bar. Learn which city in the world is your favorite. Be a shoulder to cry on. Learn how to listen. Learn which aspects about people piss you off. Learn about politics. Learn which genre of book is your favorite. Learn how to fill up a journal with thoughts that you WON’T post on social media. Teach yourself how to be spontaneous and challenge yourself to do the things that scare you. Learn how to be humble, yet learn how to take a compliment. Drive with the windows down and blast that gangster rap music (I do it often) and just laugh at the people who look at you like you’re crazy. Buy the ticket. Kiss the guy. Get the shoes. Bite the bullet. The list goes on and on.
Everything in my life feels like it is written in BOLD now, in the best possible way. And even though I’m still on the path to self-discovery and self-love (and I can assure you, it’ll still take some time to get there), I know that I’m a hell of a lot closer to getting there than I was a year ago.
So here’s to my Single-versary. And here’s to growing and learning from the experiences that I’ve had throughout the journey that brought me here.
On a side note – I wanted to thank everyone who has been there for me throughout this process, whether in person or via social media. Like I said, we all deal with these things in different ways, and the essays on this blog were mine. To have so many supportive people around me, who regularly read and who reached out, meant the world. Without realizing, you all helped me rebuild the foundation on which I’m standing now, a year later. So, just know, I’m eternally grateful for your patience and your words of encouragement throughout this past year. Sending love to all of you.