I’ve reached a point where I have nothing to write about.
It’s been a month and usually by this point, I have some sort of intensive essay planned out in my head. I’m normally writing all the time: in the car, at work, as I fall asleep at night. I tend to write paragraphs in my head and memorize them and then sit down and just let it all out at once. A part of me has been writing a couple of different things the past few weeks, but alas, no post. Mainly because at this point, I don’t want to be THAT girl and write about a myriad of people (cough boys cough) who I’ve encountered so far in 2016.
I think so much of my writer’s block is coming from a place where I KNOW that we’re all in the same boat. In that sense, what’s the point in writing about a subject that so many people are already familiar with and attempting to navigate on their own. I could reach out to so many people, near and far, and yell, “TELL ME YOUR WAYS” and I know for a fact that they would have something to teach me about how to better navigate this whole chapter of our lives.
I could write about dating. I could write about being single. I could write about traveling. But I just don’t want to? All of those topics just seem so overplayed by me at this point. I keep writing about them and eventually, it’s going to start feeling like I’m beating a dead horse. Not even that, but I’m low key bored with myself when it comes to those subjects. How are you supposed to be passionate and write honestly about something if you’re not even interested in writing about it anymore? My dad is a writer and he was even telling me to move on from certain subjects; that it would eventually all get old. And I totally agreed, even though another part of me was thinking, “How do I just let this die when this has become such a massive part of my own identity?”
I suppose it just comes down to the fact that none of us know what we’re doing. And we’re all insanely curious about how other people are living their lives. It’s the generation we’re living in. We all lurk social media accounts and develop opinions and ideas of a person based on what they post. And I’m just at this point where I don’t WANT to worry about that anymore. I keep deleting Facebook because there’s no mystery when I know what everyone ate for dinner. I’m over posting something and then obsessively checking the analytics to make sure it’s doing okay. I’m over posting a photo and feeling anxious if it doesn’t “trend” the way it should. I’ve started trying to see outside of myself, posting more photos of scenery and food and my surroundings than of my own face (cause that’s seriously more interesting than what I wore to Disneyland).
At the end of the day, none of this is real. It’s like a weird mirage that we invent for other people – in order to convince them that our lives are way better or way more put together than they actually are.
I went on a rampage and blocked an INSANE number of followers on Instagram a couple of weeks ago, because one day I just realized how weird it was to have all these random strangers following and seeing what I was doing. All of these people know a version of me, a virtual identity that I’ve created, and yet they don’t really even know ME. They don’t know my favorite color (dark, dark, dark red), or my favorite song (“The Wind Cries Mary” by Jimi Hendrix) or my favorite city to travel to (Paris). They don’t know which candle I can’t live without (Volcano!) or just HOW much I love my leather jacket that everyone jokes looks like it came out of the Thriller video.
Sometimes I wonder if our generation will deal with a “social media identity crisis” – where millennials who are so looped into the Internet will one day wake up and realize that we’ve been investing all of our time and energy into something that just isn’t real. I heard a news story a few months back of a well-known Instagrammer who basically went through her Instagram account, deleted hundreds of photos and on the ones she kept, re-captioned them to say how she was feeling when she took the photo. A girl who appeared to have it all, with captions that exposed that it was the total opposite.
Currently, I’m laying in my bed with Years & Years blasting from my Spotify, itching like crazy due to eczema and writing the first thoughts that enter my head. I’m slightly buzzed on homemade margaritas, my hair is clipped up, I’m wearing a pair of Abercrombie sweats from three years ago and a massive sweater that I thrifted a couple of weeks back. My skin looks like shit because I’m so flared up with this stupid rash and I’m smothered in baby oil cause right now, that’s all that helps, but no one (save a handful of individuals) will ever see that version of me.
I’m growing. Life is changing. I know there are a thousand aspects that I can work on in terms of my own personality, in order to improve relationships and the way I come across to others (and I’m working on it!) – but I think you get to a point where you’re like: I GET THIS. I’m getting this. It’s hard work and it’s constant and there are no points when I feel like I’m actually doing something right. But I get that I’m understanding the process of how it all works. Never for a second to I feel like I deserve the right to do or be something. Usually, I sit there and I go from being insanely joyous to being downright depressed and confused all like, “What the hell am I doing and how do I fix all of this?”
I’ve recently discovered that I’m good at forcing myself outside of my comfort zone, but, I’ve noticed that I’m bad at implementing massive life changes. For example, I have no issues with hopping on a plane and heading to a new country that I’ve never visited, but I’m scared shitless about moving out and forcing myself to start to live my own life, independent of my comfort zone. I have to spend a lot of time thinking about it. And believe me, I think about it all the time. I have to manipulate myself into knowing that I’m ready – that it’s time.
I’m 95% ready for the next phase – and the rest of it will fall into place in the next couple of months. But it’s the notion that I know that something massive is about to happen. I can just feel the changes in my bones, in the air, in the sparkles in the sky. Something big is coming and I just need to start preparing, emotionally, for the next chapter of this life. And something that comes with that is living outside of the phone, beyond the blog, and enjoying all that this life has to offer. After all, that’s the REAL stuff – the moments and the adventures that we want to tell our grandkids about one day.
I spent this last weekend running around Los Angeles with one of my best friends. He just moved to the city and is living in an INCREDIBLE apartment in Park La Brea – with a top floor view of the most incredible skyline you can imagine. On Saturday night, after a jam packed day of running around town and waiting tirelessly for Shake Shack, we ran to the top of his roof (using my shoe as a door stopper) and took in the most insane view first hand. The whole world was on fire up there, you guys. Light was everywhere. You could see the Hollywood sign, Griffith observatory…everything. Not to mention, I was running around barefoot on a 12 story building with one of my favorite people.
It was one of those golden hours where your skin kind of gets all warm and you’re covered in goosebumps and you know: I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. This is home right now. I felt like in that moment, the city was just giving me a hug and telling me that I was meant to be there in that moment. And it was so easy. And there was not a single care in the world besides me worried that my shoe would shift and we’d be stuck on the roof for the rest of the evening. These photos are from that little adventure on the roof – and it makes me happy how happy I look. Cause at the end of the day, I AM happy. And these days, I’m happier than I’ve been in a really long time.
In twenty years, no one will give two shits about how many followers I had on Instagram once upon a time or how many likes that one photo of my boobs got. What does matter? That you’re a good friend, a good daughter. That you take the time to take in the moments. That you invest your time and money in opportunities and experiences that make it so writer’s block will NEVER be an issue.
That all being said – stay tuned. I have a feeling an all new Allie is right around the corner.